It happened a couple of weeks ago on a Saturday morning. The whole family was gathered in the kitchen. I was pounding away on my novel,
my tired and grumpy husband was guzzling coffee (he’d been travelling a lot and was finally home),
my grouchy and
hung-over tired son was hunched over his laptop (yes, he is legal),
The dogs were passed out and my daughter was floating around.(For once she was not the problem)
It all started innocently enough. My husband, the Original Obnoxious One or OOO for short, opened the fridge door, rooted around and pronounced, “There’s no food in the house.”
My son, the Obnoxious One, followed up with, “We never have food in the house.”
OOO moaned, “We never have any food in the house.”
Usually I find the best thing to do with my two obnoxious guys when they go into full obnoxious mode is to ignore them. Yep, I bite my tongue, hum a catchy tune and say nothing…nada…they thrive on controversy, so I don’t give them any. That morning, however, I just had to put my two cents in. “You guys are so silly. We have tons of food. Just open your eyes.”
So they point out what’s missing: lunch meat, cheese slices, bananas, apples, strawberries, instant oatmeal, dates, hummus, good bread from the bakery
“We had bananas but they went bad. Same with the bread.” I countered.
OO groaned, “But we have no good food now!”
“But we had most of those things yesterday. I just went shopping yesterday, and the day before, and the day before…”
OOO moaned quite desperately now. “Well there’s nothing here now. We have no food!What are we going to do?”
“Your son is eating us out of house and home! Every time I go shopping, he eats everything! And he eats late at night, like last night, so sometimes there’s none in the morning, like today.” I said, starting to get a little ticked off. Just a little.
OO complained, “We never have any good food in the house. That’s why I’ve been eating dinner at the restaurant after my shift.”
“Look, I’m not a mind reader. If you want certain things, you need to write them down. If we’re out of something you want, then write it down. I always have a list going.” I was pretty annoyed by this time.
But they just kept going and going and going.
OOO cried, “We have no food!”
OO joined in, “No food!”
OOO moaned and groaned yet again. “But we have no food!?”
“ENOUGH ALREADY! I’M NOT A MIND READER? MAKE A LIST!” And with that the Wicked Witch of the West shut the computer off, stomped out of the kitchen and up the stairs, slamming a few doors along the way for good measure.
I would like to say that things improved after that, but that would be a lie. The Wicked Witch of the West did not leave that day. The boys did not apologize that day. There was more yelling and screaming and slamming and banging on Sunday too. The dogs spent a lot of time cowering in the basement far away from the crazy people. Finally on Sunday night, the Wicked Witch of the West approached the Original Obnoxious One, who by this time was PO’d too.
The Original Obnoxious One cried for the umpteenth time, “We never have any food!”
The Wicked Witch of the West shrieked,” I GO SHOPPING EVERY DAY BUT I’M NOT A MIND READER!”
OOO grumbled, “Just buy more food.”
The Wicked Witch of the West yelled,”WHY ARE YOU SO GRUMPY NOW? I’M THE ONE THAT’S BEEN HARD DONE BY! YOU DON’T THINK…YOU DON’T REALLY THINK…DO YOU THINK I’M BLOWING THIS SITUATION OUT OF PROPORTION?”
OOO said, “Well…”
The Wicked Witch of the West shouted, “YOU DO? HOW COULD YOU? HOW COULD YOU?”
With fist clenched and teeth gritted, the Original Obnoxious One and the Wicked Witch of the West stood nose to nose, eyeball to eyeball, and glared and glowered at each other.
And started to laugh and laugh and laugh.
And just like that the Wicked Witch of the West took off. But you never know when she’ll return. So look out. Be very, very careful. Really!