After all, as the Terrible Awful Mother that’s what I like to do. in fact, I thrive on ruining other people’s lives, especially the lives of my family members.
Take my husband, the Original Obnoxious One. His life was almost too easy to ruin – it simply requires leaving my car parked in the driveway so that when he comes home from work he can’t park his Precious in the garage, or neglecting to put my cell phone on silent at bedtime so it chimes away all night long. As I said, too easy.
My son, the Obnoxious One required a slightly more advanced approach: I had to poison him. We haven’t been able to sort out his recent medical disasters, but we are working on it. After several doctor visits, numerous tests, and various medications, we still don’t know what’s wrong with him, but we do know that gluten is a trigger. After consuming gluten he immediately develops flu-like symptoms, severe stomach cramps, and passes blood in his stool. So we’ve spent absolute fortune on gluten-free products at Whole Foods – not just bread and cereal, but soy sauce and salad dressing and granola bars and crackers/crisps and humus and more…much more. Imagine my shock the other evening after preparing what I thought was a gluten-free meal, of chicken breasts poached in broth and wine with roasted rosemary potatoes and salad. Well, turns out that I used dijon mustard to marinate the chicken and the mustard contained vinegar. I also used a seasoning salt on the chicken, which after reading the teeny tiny print, we discovered contained gluten. The Obnoxious One felt sick an hour after dinner, went to work the next morning but had to come home at lunch since he felt so so so badly.
I didn’t want to ruin my baby,Franklinstein’s life, but he’s such a good sensitive boy that a stern look will make him quiver, and a harsh word will cause him to cower. Despite frequent hosings, the weeks of splashing through mud puddles,and swimming in the ocean took their toll; he reaked! Yesterday I made Obnoxious One bathe him, a cruel and mean procedure for labs, but totally necessary from time to time. I think Franklinstein has forgiven me by now, but he stills throws baleful glance at me every now and then when he thinks I’m not looking at him.
Now I really wouldn’t want to leave out my daughter, the Weird One – no need for her to feel unloved. She recently informed me that I had ruined her life by purchasing Netflix. In fact, I purchased Netflix so I could watch the amazing Kevin Spacey in House of Cards. The Weird One, though, is hooked on the recent 90210, Summer Heights High and rather concerned that she hasn’t even gotten to the new Arrested Development! She was most upset that she missed a couple of parties because she was too enthralled with the machinations of Naomi and Liam and Adrianna and Annie.Oh, the drama. With an almost straight face, she told me:
Mom, it’s all your fault! You’ve ruined my life! If you hadn’t purchased Netflix I would be going to my friend’s party right now, but I can’t cuz I have to watch my show.
When I rolled my eyes and stared at her, her mouth twitched and her eyes twinkled. Nevertheless the Weird One tried ever so hard to look seriously angry.
So there you go…I’ve succeeding in ruining the lives of each and every member of my immediate family. Who’s next? Really?!